Without Us
by OSUSprinks
Summary: ADMM, ANGST WARNING! Minerva copes with the loss of a lifetime.


_A/N: This was inspired by the song "Probably Wouldn't Be This Way" by LeAnn Rimes and is the most angst I think I could ever write. It hurt me to think of, hurt me to write, and hurts me to post. I can only hope that the two fluffy fics I am posting at the same time will be enough to help you all get through. I'm sorry! _

_Disclaimer: Not mine, but then you knew that._

* * *

"I have a date tonight. I know, you are probably happy for me, but don't be. I'm only doing it because the girls are worried about me."

I sit down in the grass, lightly running my fingers over the tall blades.

"Did I tell you that I moved? Last summer I went back to Gigha, but it was just too much. I like Edinburgh, always have. I bought a flat there. I know you are probably surprised, but it helps to be in the midst of people and this way I don't have to worry about mowing the lawn."

I smile wryly.

"I wonder if the new owners of our cottage will hire the same neighbor boy. It took him an entire summer to learn his way around all the booby traps you set as jokes."

I shake my head softly.

"I don't know what made me think of that. I have been like that all year. Everything reminds me of something else and soon I am so lost in remembering that I'm not paying attention to the present and that is just not like me."

I take a deep breath, willing my frustration with my failings away. That isn't why I'm here. Then I laugh at myself.

"Why am I here?" I ask aloud, though the question is more for me than him. "I don't even know. I ask myself that all the time, but the only answer is you, Albus. I can't move on. Maybe if I had never seen your face or heard your voice or loved you... Heavens, how I loved you," I choke back a sob, "but I did and I do. I can't get past that, no matter how hard I try and no matter how much you want me to.

"I told you the girls are worried about me. Rolanda and Poppy have been at my door almost every night this week. They are the ones who set me up on this date and are pushing me the hardest. Pomona seems to understand me a bit more, but then she nearly lost Fil that night, so maybe that is the reason. Even she thinks I should stop coming here."

I finally summon the courage to look at the white tomb, softly tracing his name with my fingertips. I can no longer stop hot tears from pouring down my cheeks.

"I told them I would stop coming during the school term because they said I was scaring our students. I wonder if they know that I'm scaring myself, too.

"I just never thought about a time when my life wouldn't include you, Albus. How could I have? You have been a part of me my entire adult life. I don't know who I am anymore without you by my side. I just don't know how to be _me_ without having _us_."

I take another deep breath, trying to calm myself. I know that the girls are watching me. I can't see them, but they always do when I come out here.

"Fawkes left. He has only been back once since the funeral and that was when Harry finally defeated Riddle. You would have been so proud of him, Albus, so proud of all of them. He reminded me so much of you right after Grindlewald's defeat. So humble in victory, caring more for the wounded and lost than for any of the titles and medals the Ministry tried to give him.

"Did you know the first thing he did after the last curse was fired? He found Ginerva Weasley. Their first child is due in three months time."

I shake my head. Somehow, I have got off topic again.

"Albus, sometimes I think it would have been better if I hadn't known you. I probably wouldn't be this way if I had never loved you so much. But sometimes I think I am so lucky to have known you, to love you. Most people aren't lucky enough to love as we did. I know that, but it doesn't make it any easier to be the one left behind."

I turn my head, looking across the lake and wondering, not for the first time, how much courage it would take to walk into its depths and not come back up.

"I think I'm losing my mind, Albus. No, I _know_ I'm losing it and myself, too. But, without you here to help, I don't know how to recover myself. I don't know if I even want to."

I stand then, knowing that I am almost out of time. Soon one of the girls, most likely Pomona as they usually send her when I'm like this, will walk by and try to talk to me.

"They just don't understand, love, and I pray they never will."

With one last longing look toward the lake, I make my way to the castle. I have a date to prepare for.


End file.
